"I don't." But I will now.

When I was a kid, my biggest dream (fueled by my mother's ambitions for me) was to get married and have children. Somewhere along in college, I realized that I could have my own ambitions, and by golly, I didn't want kids, nor did I want to get married.

Rebellion was a sweet and churning emotion.

And rather confusing.

I'm engaged now, and I absolutely cannot wait to marry to my sweetheart. But, not for the reasons that I thought when I was younger. I honestly didn't have any reasons when I was younger. After a trip to the side of, "Marriage? Why marriage?" I can say that my reasons are totally different now. Getting married is not a status symbol to me. Nor a reason to have sex. Honestly, marriage is becoming pretty useless is my opinion. Aside from tax breaks and benefits from the government and hospital visitation rights (which are now being worked on), marriage is just a symbol.

So, after taking a foray in nomarriageland, I realized that, like most everything else, it all comes down to your motivations. I want to get married now, not because I can flaunt a giant ring on my finger and have "girls' nights out" with other wives (shudder). I want to get married because it's a public proclamation of my devotion to my beloved. And we're going to have a kick ass party with our friends. That seems more like marriage to me.

Not fifteen thousands dollars in debt because we can't afford it. Not a four hundred person wedding because we feel the need to invite everyone we know. Dresses from thift stores and our friends who supported us. That sounds just about right to me.

Would you like your martini, uh, milk, now?

Honestly, I probably should have been documenting my final 2 weeks as a bartender, but I really didn't want to. I didn't want to do anything else that related to that job. So, a bit of a recap:

After I (attempted to) put in my two weeks notice, the assistant manager told me that I needed to have my notice in writing (my bad, because I definitely knew that), and that I couldn't turn in my notice until Tuesday because that's when the payroll week ended/started. I was tempted to call BS, but I just nodded, said that made sense, and left the office. Let me also say that we had this conversation on a Wednesday.

Let me interrupt to say that I am extremely non-confrontational. So much so, it is usually a huge detriment to whatever I'm trying to do (see above). I was already shaking so badly during the conversation, there was nothing I wanted to do more than walk out of the office and sit down for half an hour. Which is why I didn't say anything.

I did, however, tell one of the other bartenders what she said, and he looked at me and was like, really? He proceeded to tell the other bartender who had just quit as well what she told me, and he called and left a voice mail on my phone saying, "She's full of shit and can't do that. If she enforces it, I can give you the number to corporate."

So. I took in my written two weeks notice the following day, with the date of the day before (Wednesday). I copied it and gave it to both her and the general manager. I heard nothing else out of her.

I like to view my form of confrontation as silent.

Some people call it passive-aggressive.

In the end, my two weeks came through from the date I requested. And even better, there was miscommunication of sorts and I ended up only having to work one week after I put in my two weeks, instead of two. I was not about to complain.

Even better news--I was just offered and accepted a job yesterday as a part time nanny for a family just a mile from my apartment. And they seem amazing. And I just got back from another family this morning who wants to use me for occasional sitting. It was only four hours, and I made as much as I would have on a 7.5 hour day shift with bartending, and the worst I had to deal with was some crying when the four year old girl was determined she needed a band-aid on her non-hurting toe.

Heaven.

I probably won't be calling nannying "heaven" much in the future, but wow. Today was so different from a day in the restaurant industry. And I am so grateful.

Two weeks

While it hasn't been two weeks since you looked at me (thank you Bare Naked Ladies), in two weeks it will be my last day at work.

(Holla!)

That is, when I go into work today, I will be putting in my two weeks.

It's me going out on a limb. It's me admitting to myself that I can do better. That I want better. So many people I work with complain at their jobs. "I hate being a server," "I can't wait to put in my two weeks," "I'm looking for another job." But they're still there. And as one conversation with a manager went a few weeks ago, they'll probably still be there in five years.

But, I've never been one to stick around in situations that I didn't like. My practical side is very up in arms at the moment, but I'm deciding to take a risk and put in my two weeks without any other job solidly lined up. I have potentials, but nothing grounded.

So, I take the risk.

The good news is, I have two weeks to nail something down. Give or take. More good news is that Lina is fully supportive of this, and is actually pushing me toward the decision because I "don't want to make my managers upset." We can survive off of her income for a bit if I don't find anything right away, which is also good.

While I am really not looking forward to this conversation with my manager, the dry erase board on the fridge here is really happy and has "two weeks!" in comic-writing form written on today. So, that settles it. I can't dally because it would be an affront to the dry erase board which has our days wonderfully scheduled out.

Two weeks!

New horizons

I have a babysitting job this Saturday night! The parents are going to a Halloween party, the children will be in bed, and I'll be getting paid to read.

And it could turn into something regular.

And I am meeting another mom on Thursday to see about a potential job as well. Another mom told me she'd call last night, and hasn't, so I'm not holding out too much hope there. But.. people want me!

In other news, I open tomorrow.
Can you feel the drastic mood change?

And a change

I've come to realize in my life, based on past evidence, that when I come to a decision, I move quickly. That said, I've decided to look for another job.

Lina and I have talked about it a lot, and we've come to realize that a lot of my general unhappiness, my abounding stress, and my overall jumpy mood can be attributed to my job. It's just not a good fit for me. Not only does my bartending job not fulfill the part of me that desires to help people and be an influence in someone's life, I don't feel valued or appreciated.

I will admit, I have a horrible syndrome that causes me to believe I am capable of much more than I am, and this has caused me to do a half-assed job on things that were very important. However, I haven't done this here. I have worked and worked and worked. Training kicked my ass, but I kept at it. And the job is still kicking my ass. It's not that I can't do it. I just that I don't understand why I should continue to do it.

Of course, this decision has come after a ton of talking with Lina. Obviously I'm not going to put in my two weeks before I have something else to fall back on. But doesn't this make me look like a flighty person who can't keep down a job? Well.. maybe to some people. Lina said I would drive her crazy if she didn't know that the force behind this is my personality.

I'm looking into tutoring, nannying, and babysitting. A venue where I believe I will be appreciated for the work I do, where I'm not working forty hours a week over four days, and where I have a lot more of a say in the work I do. We'll see what happens. The current bartending situation is: today and tomorrow off. Wednesday starts a new "code," whatever that is (another reason to leave now--a lot of shit has hit the fan in the past week and no one is happy), and Saturday is an early morning mandatory meeting for all employees.

I'm sick of corporations. I need to stop trying to work for them.

And I actually think I'm going to do something about that.

Jobs jobs jobs

I am sitting curled up on the bed, eating ice cream straight out of the tub. People may rag on the Midwest, but you have to admit, it has damn good ice cream.

I don't have to leave for work for another half an hour, which is nice. But being a bartender has its drawbacks. I don't have weekends anymore. My days run together until I realize it's Friday because the restaurant is packed and people are praising the coming weekend. I smile and nod, and try to forget that I have to be there are 9am on Sunday to open. I do like the varying schedule though; sometimes I get to sleep in, sometimes I get to stay up late. The only annoying thing about that is it changes from week to week.

The other sometimes annoying thing is that I have to remind myself to like my job. These times don't happen often, usually it's after I've worked a full week and need a couple days off, but they come nonetheless.

Last week was a particularly trying week, as I had to work more hours to cover for a bartender who went on vacation, and I found myself thinking that my job was pointless. Sure, a lot of people love bartenders (Lina and I went to a newcomer's welcoming reception at the Episcopalian church we now are trying to call home, and it seemed everyone wanted to talk to me after they found out I was "tending bar" as the older men put it). And well, the people who come in to have their whiskey manhattans on the rocks no cherry don't think my job is pointless either. And I'm bringing home an income, right? So, I went on a research kick.

I am in love with the Meyers-Briggs typology indicator, so I turned to that first. I found out back when I was in high school that I am an INFJ, and I've periodically retaken the test to see if I still fall in that category. After digging around online a little, I discovered that my personality type is not driven by monetary success, and is drawn to careers that allow for creativity and interaction with other people, and INFJs enjoy analyzing relationships and working with people to develop their full potential.

There's a whole lot more to that, but basically, I discovered, I felt like my job was pointless because I wasn't helping anyone. I'm kind of back on the "right" track now though (you know, rent), and I'm looking into many possible career choices. After of course, being stable at this job for a while.

The small things

It's fall. And it's lovely.

This autumn is starting off magnificently, and I am trying to keep it as such. I haven't had a good fall since 2006 when I was just starting my undergrad degree.

A person I loved left my life, a person I would come to love entered it, and a person I probably should never have loved but did anyway would continue to complicate matters for then and for many years to come.

Fall is a complicated time for me. But there is currently a kitty curled up on my lap, and I can fully enjoy that.