I've come to realize in my life, based on past evidence, that when I come to a decision, I move quickly. That said, I've decided to look for another job.
Lina and I have talked about it a lot, and we've come to realize that a lot of my general unhappiness, my abounding stress, and my overall jumpy mood can be attributed to my job. It's just not a good fit for me. Not only does my bartending job not fulfill the part of me that desires to help people and be an influence in someone's life, I don't feel valued or appreciated.
I will admit, I have a horrible syndrome that causes me to believe I am capable of much more than I am, and this has caused me to do a half-assed job on things that were very important. However, I haven't done this here. I have worked and worked and worked. Training kicked my ass, but I kept at it. And the job is still kicking my ass. It's not that I can't do it. I just that I don't understand why I should continue to do it.
Of course, this decision has come after a ton of talking with Lina. Obviously I'm not going to put in my two weeks before I have something else to fall back on. But doesn't this make me look like a flighty person who can't keep down a job? Well.. maybe to some people. Lina said I would drive her crazy if she didn't know that the force behind this is my personality.
I'm looking into tutoring, nannying, and babysitting. A venue where I believe I will be appreciated for the work I do, where I'm not working forty hours a week over four days, and where I have a lot more of a say in the work I do. We'll see what happens. The current bartending situation is: today and tomorrow off. Wednesday starts a new "code," whatever that is (another reason to leave now--a lot of shit has hit the fan in the past week and no one is happy), and Saturday is an early morning mandatory meeting for all employees.
I'm sick of corporations. I need to stop trying to work for them.
And I actually think I'm going to do something about that.